There are a lot of things that my father and I disagree on,
and we’ve been known to get into heated debates on a variety of subjects. One
thing we argue about a lot is gender equality. Not that my father thinks women
are incapable or less than men, but it’s something that he believes is a
nonissue, while I am of the opposite conviction. Whenever I complain to him about a man being
condescending, or even if I call him out on using a patronizing tone with me, he
gets very defensive and argumentative about my claim. “You’re too sensitive,”
he scoffs. “No one can say anything around you without you getting mad!” This
is not at all true, although unfortunately I have never found the right words
to articulate my point of view to him. I usually just mutter something along
the lines of “you’re a man, you’ll never understand,” and bitterly give up
trying.
I am a fully capable, reasonable, and intelligent woman; but
it just so happens that I AM sensitive when people, especially men, find it
okay to speak down to me or criticize women for no reason. As I have matured, I
have witnessed, through my own experiences and those of other women I respect
greatly, the systematic, unhealthy, and frankly, disturbing convention of male condescension
towards women. To some women of older generations or others who have witnessed this
truth repeatedly in their lives, this comes as no surprise. But for me, a
mid-twenties woman who has grown up in a world of near-equal opportunity
between men and women (or seemingly equal on the surface), it has been a shocking
realization. It became apparent to me at my small liberal arts college, when I started
to realize that many of the men in our administration treated male students
differently. In many cases, women were treated as over-emotional and irrational.
We all went through the same rigorous criteria to be accepted into this school,
so why were women being treated as less intelligent or capable than the men?
This condescension towards women is most apparent in patterns
of speech, word choice and tone of voice, and once you pick up on it, it is
hard to ignore. I hear it in my professor’s jokes or my uncle’s criticisms -
and it infuriates me. It infuriates me when they make these misogynist
comments, and it infuriates me even more when women just accept it as a fact of
life and learn to deal with it. Maybe I’m one to blame. I don’t make a habit of
calling out my uncle when he criticizes his wife constantly about anything and everything.
I didn’t tell my professor that I found his joke offensive. But I do find it
worthwhile to tell my father exactly why he should be more conscious about the
way he speaks to me and other women. At least I do that much.
So why do the words, the jokes, the tone bother me so much? I
could never explain it fully before, but I’ve finally found a way to make my
father understand. Over the past few days, the Amherst College community has
been dealing with a student’s chilling declaration of sexual assault on campus,
and the subsequent mistreatment that she experienced from the administration. Thepublic outcry has been one of horror, criticism for the college, and widespread
support for the victim and rape victims everywhere; the alumni response has
been very vocal and organized. The overall response from the online community
has been heartening and lightning-fast.
Nevertheless, it has become shockingly obvious that the
college is in desperate need of some serious changes in the way they deal with
sexual assault victims and rape offenders. It’s not enough to have the
policies; it’s about how the administration implements those policies as well
as the sort of climate they cultivate around gender equality. Unfortunately, until
now the college’s laissez-faire attitude around this subject has aided in
creating a climate that shelters offenders and promotes misogyny. It hurts me
to learn that such terrible things have been happening to women (and men) at Amherst
College, but it also hurts me that my alma mater’s name is becoming synonymous
with misogyny. Hopefully, something productive will come of this traumatic
series of events, for everyone’s sake.
My father was horrified when I told him what had been
happening at Amherst. As we discussed these events, it finally became clear to
me how to explain to him my sensitivity when it comes to verbal (and nonverbal)
condescension from men. Comments that misogynist men make, words they choose, and
even the tone they use are all meant to put women down and make them feel
inferior, whether they are conscious of this or not. Simply put, this is a form
of showing dominance over women. Some women might internalize this unknowingly,
as might our children; and so, a pattern of paternalism is born – the pattern
we as a society have existed within for centuries. Hence, the frightening
situation we as a college community face today.
Amherst has been letting certain men on campus get away with
blatant and sometimes horrific displays of misogyny. Through their actions (or
inactions), the college is sending a message that male dominance is okay. Maybe
it stops at words, or pictures, or jokes – but maybe it doesn’t. The fact is, what
is to stop a man who thinks he is superior or dominant over a woman from
letting those words turn into action? This is how rape happens.
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